How To Supersize and Renew Intimacy In Your Relationship

In the early stages of every relationship, when you’re falling in love and the thought of being apart is painful, the intimacy level between the partners is high. Remember how you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? How about all those long, intimate conversations about your hopes, fears and dreams? You probably went to lots of exciting places and enjoyed new and wonderful experiences together. When you’re newly in love, you feel exhilarated and life is a little intoxicating. Fast forward a few years and although staying in love may feel warm and fuzzy, it’s a good deal less intoxicating.

• Save

Keeping your intimacy levels high in your relationship makes for a more satisfying relationship. Researchers have found that couples who report high levels of intimacy also say they enjoy a satisfying, close and intimate relationship. It’s important to not confuse intimacy with sex. Of course, sex can be the most wonderful intimate act, but you can be intimate with your lover in non-sexual, affectionate and verbal ways as well. In any dictionary definition, you’ll find that the word ‘intimate’ is much broader than sex. We all know that some sex can lack real intimacy, whereas, some affectionate, playful sensual touching can be the most intimate of acts. Ruffling your lover’s hair playfully is an intimate act. Giving your lover a relaxing head or neck massage is an intimate act.

At its essence, intimacy is a deep, meaningful and shared connection with another person. Being truly intimate means being prepared to self-disclose to your lover and develop together a sense of mutual caring. Intimacy means being able to connect with one another on a deep level and being prepared to be open to giving and accepting warmth and caring. A couple who embrace warmly and share a close, unspoken experience in each other’s arms are more intimate than a couple having casual sex. Sharing the same bed doesn’t necessarily make for intimacy nor is nakedness in itself necessarily intimate. Intimacy is predicated on thoughts, feelings, a sense of togetherness, good will and all forms of genuine non-sexual and sexual touching. In Heart’s Desire: How to create the relationship you’ve always dreamed of having, I write about the power of words to create intimacy, to create a strong bond in your relationship. Couples have told researchers and counselors that they find words can create intimacy. Why not try it? Why not self-disclose to your lover about your secret dreams or your favorite sex fantasy.

Don’t allow the intimacy to fade from your relationship. If it’s looking a little lack-luster then consider giving it more attention and polishing it in the following four ways:

1. create intimacy with your thoughts

2. create intimacy with your talk

3. create intimacy with togetherness

4. create intimacy with touch

Creating intimacy with your thoughts

Link to each other more strongly by thinking about each other. Remember when you were newly in love and how when you were separated, your lover was always in your thoughts? Recreate this feeling by thinking often about your partner when you’re apart and having your thoughts enhance your bonding.

Create a caring bond by sending out loving messages to one another. Create room in your heart for positive thoughts about your lover and your relationship. Link to each other and enhance your intimacy through thought.

Creating intimacy with your talk

Communication is key in an intimate relationship. Self-disclosure is also essential if you want a truly intimate relationship. Being honest and letting your lover know what you think and how you feel makes for increased intimacy. Revealing yourself through your talk is a very intimate thing to do. Of course, you have to feel safe in order to self-disclose, but once you set up a comfortable atmosphere, you and your lover can make yourselves real and at times, vulnerable, and in doing so, you’ll find a greater level of emotional attachment and intimacy.

Creating intimacy with togetherness

Togetherness is crucial in an intimate relationship. After all, it’s hard to feel connected to and intimate with someone whom you hardly ever see or do anything with. Of course, it’s also important to have separate time where you do your own thing – and then when you come together, you’ll have something to talk about and share. Remember, that being truly together is more than being with each other. It’s important to do things together – to build a story of the two of you enjoying each other’s company. Plan a get-away weekend or a special date night. When you go out for that weekend breakfast together, don’t sit and read the paper or fiddle with your phone and make no eye contact with your lover – connect and take the opportunity to have a good conversation.

Creating intimacy with touch

Touch can be affectionate and playful, loving and warm, sensual and sexual – it all depends on your mood. In an intimate relationship, your intimacy is heightened when your touch is compassionate, tender and loving. Touching shows you care. Touching tells your partner that you respect them and that things are good between you. Touching, whether it’s non-sexual or sexual touch, gives you a ‘feel good’ feeling about yourself, your partner and your relationship.

What you can do

Privately reflect on and then talk with your lover about building an ‘intimacy plan’ into your relationship. Here are some suggestions:

Your intimacy plan

Perhaps you can:

1. put aside 10 minutes a day (or more) for ‘intimate couple time’ when you devote the time to each other and your relationship

2. top up your intimacy by doing things together that are pleasurable – non-sexually and sexually

3. reveal yourself by self-disclosing about what’s important to you in keeping your relationship strong and intimate

Above all, keep in mind that true intimacy means connecting with, sharing with and caring about your partner. Intimate moments are to be cherished and can be enhanced when you and your lover reaffirm, through words and acts, your close and intimate connection.

Author Bio:

Zita Weber, Ph.D. is an author and honorary academic, and has worked as a counselor and therapist with individuals, couples and families. She has researched and written about communication, relationships, sexuality, depression and loss and grief. More information about her work and books can be found at: http://zitaweber.com.