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The Secrets of Mastering Difficult Conversations?
We all dread challenging conversations, whether these are taking place in personal or professional relationship settings. The discomfort and fear linked to those could be overwhelming.
You’ve certainly experienced this situation at least once in your life. A certain conversation has to take place but you just don’t want to be the one bringing it up. So you wait. And wait. In your mind, the conversation grows more and more dramatic. You rehearse different approaches and you just don’t know how to handle it.
The number of people that like drama and confrontation is certainly small. Chances are that you aren’t one of these people. Still, it’s possible to master a challenging conversation, make the most of it and even turn things around.
Why do We Hate Difficult Conversations?
Whether you’re a company manager that needs to have a tough talk with an employee or you’re faced with the task of discussing personal problems with a significant other, a conversation of this kind can fill your heart with fear.
Why are we so afraid of confrontation and talking about tough topics?
According to psychologists, challenging conversations create fear and a sense of “impending threat.” Most people are concerned about the conversation going wrong. They have a worst-case scenario in mind and they think that this scenario could easily be brought to reality.
The prospect of having to go through a challenging conversation decreases the ability to think objectively. Emotions take control and the response becomes instinctive. This is one of the main reasons why the more we postpone such conversation, the more difficult they become to have.
Common Mistakes
The overly-emotional response to challenging topics leads to a number of common mistakes. Most people are guilty of the same errors:
- Fight or flight response: it’s nothing but natural to start feeling combative and argumentative during a challenging conversation. It will push all of the wrong buttons because of the overly-emotional response.
- Lashing out: people tend to lash out during such conversations, saying things that would be regretted later on.
- Shutting down: the opposite of lashing out. Though the approach is quieter, it’s equally unproductive. When you shut down, you stop listening and you get in a defensive mode that eliminates the chance for any conversation progress.
- Sarcasm, accusations and lies: these are also the result of the emotional response. Proving you’re right becomes so important that you’re ready to use just about any tool in your arsenal.
- Rehearsing: a difficult conversation will never occur following the scenario that you’ve created in your mind. Rehearsing the conversation time and time again diminishes the chance for meaningful communication that’s based on listening and understanding the problem.
- Not really saying what you think: the person that you’re having a difficult conversation with can’t read your mind. Unless you’re 100 percent honest and willing to speak out, you’re not going to get the desired results.
A Guide to having a Productive Conversation
Having a productive tough conversation is possible, if you keep an open mind and you try to control the emotions. A challenging conversation can lead to the resolution of a big problem, if you’re responsive and respectful.
Avoiding the conversation means that you’ll be holding on to the problem for a long period of time. In this sense, talking about something that makes you anxious is less painful than keeping the negative emotions inside. Gather the courage and follow these steps to deal with it in a mature way:
- Ask questions to understand the other party’s point of view: a tough conversation is always perceived as tough because of the way you think the other person involved is going to react. Understanding the other person’s perspective and asking questions can make things a whole lot easier. You may even want to ask for clarification or summarize what you’ve just heard to make sure that you’ve understood everything correctly.
- Control your tone: words have no meaning if they aren’t supported by the right tone. Control your tone and resist the urge to be sarcastic. Such remarks aren’t going to lead to anything productive. Research suggests that your tone is nearly five times more important than what you actually say. If you say “I’m sorry,” you should really mean it for the other person to believe your words.
- The importance of acknowledgement: you may have heard and understood but the other person will have no idea unless you acknowledge these facts. Show your conversation partner that you understand. Once you acknowledge their point of view, you can move on to sharing what you think and how you feel about the situation.
- Breathe and control your anger: an angry response isn’t going to get you anywhere. Take some time to breathe before saying anything impulsive. Acting on emotions will make you regret many of the things you’ve said. Focus and stick to logical thinking. Allowing the emotions to overwhelm you will deprive you of an opportunity to make things better or communicate your point of view in a convincing manner.
- Don’t take it personally: even if you’re having a conversation with a significant other, it’s imperative not to take things personally. Your conversation partner could say hurtful things under the influence of the emotions. It’s not about you and it’s not about the relationship. Focus on the problem and solely on it.
- Try to come up with a compromise: the best thing you can do is reach a mutually beneficial compromise. It sounds simple but often, it feels like a huge sacrifice on your behalf. This is why listening and understanding somebody else’s point of view can help you reach a solution that both of you will be content with.
A difficult conversation can often lead to positive developments in your life. This is why mastering the art of communication is one of the best personal tools to develop. This isn’t an easy task but it can be accomplished. Work on emotional control, be an active listener and maintain respect. If you manage to accomplish those, you will be happy with the outcome.
Dr. Syras Derksen
